Your partner won’t change? Here’s what might be getting in the way.

Many of us have been in a relationship that eventually begs the question of “will my partner ever change?”  “What is reasonable change to ask for them to do?  Is this just “who they are?”  “Should I wait for them to change or should we end this?”  The answer looks like this:  It’s very important that your partner changes their behavior but there are critical changes that you must make as well to ensure a successful relationship transformation.

 

What are realistic changes to expect my partner to make?

I want to address a crucial part of working through behavioral change with your partner that most partners struggle with.  Why can’t your partner change?  Well, for starters, change is extremely difficult for anyone so I won’t belabor that point.  On top of that, there are aspects of ourselves that we can’t change, nor should we.  The kind of changes that I am referring to are what I consider “more of” changes.  You fell in love with your partner because you loved the way you emotionally connected with him when you met.  Now he’s more distant.  You want more of him.  Wanting to connect more with you and your kids is a reasonable expectation.  If he’s committed to your relationship, he’ll want to make that change.  On the contrary, wanting your introverted husband to sing and dance for you and be incredibly passionate is not a realistic thing to ask from him.

 

Maddie and Josh

Maddie and Josh are a couple that’s been coming to see me now for about a month.  Maddie found out that Josh had been e-mailing another woman at work behind her back during this past year.  He denies it went any further but she’s not convinced and is understandably still very hurt.  We’ve outlined some specific interventions that Josh can do for Maddie to help her cope with her lack of trust in him.  Josh is to call Maddie at specific times during the day and when he is out on business trips he’s been asked to take a picture of where he is and send it to her.  Josh knows that he’s in the doghouse, he’s extremely remorseful about his actions, and is ready to get on board with the needed behavioral changes. He knows that the interventions will be necessary to start the long road of re-establishing trust.  On top of that, Maddie has stated that she feels that he has been emotionally distant for the entire time that they’ve been together and she wants to see him be different.  Josh agrees to work on the things that she is asking him to do from our sessions and I tell them that it’s something I’ll be checking on in the coming weeks.

 

The other person’s role in wanted change

Maddie and Josh show up in my office a couple of weeks later.  Things haven’t been going well so I ask what’s been happening.

Maddie says, “Josh has been keeping up with texting me from the office and when he went out-of-town the other week he did stay in touch and did all the things I asked him to do.”  She pauses. “The problem is that I’m just afraid that this won’t last.”

“What makes you think it won’t last?  What is he currently doing to make you think that?”, I say.

Maddie starts to look a little frustrated.  “It’s not so much what he’s doing, it’s that I’ve seen this play out before.  Things get smoothed over and then it’s right back to the same old stuff.  He’s short with me, distant, gone at work all the time and married to his job”, she says.

“You’re worried that he’s all talk and not really committed”, I say to her.

“Yeah.”

I turn to Josh. “Josh, what do you think about what’s she’s saying?”

Josh is having a hard time keeping back his frustration. “I mean, it’s tough.  I’m doing everything that I can to make this better.  I just want to get us back to the way things used to be.  I’ve even backed out of my yearly guys trip to spend the weekend with Maddie and the kids.  I just don’t feel like she’ll ever trust me.  I’m starting to wonder if things can change”.

“It feels that way because she doesn’t fully trust you right now.  She can’t.  Your job is to work on the changes that you and your wife have decided are the start to rebuilding your relationship”, I say to Josh.

I turn to Maddie.  “You’ve got a role in this too”, I say to her.

“What is it?  I’m willing to try anything, this is horrible”.  She looks exasperated.

“You’ve got to take yes for an answer”, I say.  “You’ve got to allow him to change”.

 

Taking “yes” for an answer

Your partner will have a difficult time changing if you have the following reactions to their attempts to change:

• You continue to bring up past instances where they didn’t come through or failed.
• When presented with their changes in behavior you don’t accept it (maybe it’s not exactly what you were looking for) and instead reject their efforts.
• In response to their efforts to change you feel entitled to respond to them however you want to because you are hurting.
• You are not ready to forgive them so you look at giving them approval as condoning past behaviors.
• Or maybe you feel that if you accept their efforts to change you’ll be condoning their past behaviors.  You’ll be “giving in” (Check out my previous post on needing to be “right”).

So, why is change in relationships so hard?  Well, when we’re not used to getting what we want or seeing something different from our partners we might not even know how to respond when we get what we ask for.  Maybe we’re still angry.  Maybe we have a right to be.  After all, we can’t just stop hurting or feeling, even if it is angry.  So, how do we get around this?

One simple way is to just say “yes” and accept what we’re given.  There’s a time and place to express our thoughts and feelings to our partners but we don’t want to hurt what we’re trying to build.  We don’t want to reject the changes we seek because we’re just so damn mad or resentful.   We don’t want to turn down what we need because our pride gets in the way.

Focus on making time to attend to your need to communicate your unattended emotional needs when your partner will be receptive to them.  Don’t unload on them when they’re doing their part to mend your relationship.  In the meantime, be open to the change you are seeking.  Be willing to take “yes” for an answer.

Allow your partner to change.  Be open to the change and growing you’re asking them to do.  Don’t expect it to be perfect.