We know men experience depression. We know that it’s one of the most common mental health issues men experience. According to research data from the American Psychological Association, around 30% of men have experienced at least one significant episode of depression in their lives. I would argue that number is even higher given that many men don’t even know what depression feels like. Or that they experience it so often they don’t consider it depression. Basically, it’s safe to say that men underreport their depression and depressive symptoms. But, if this is true, why do men underreport their depression? Popular thought would say that men don’t tell others they are depressed because they are “afraid of being seen as weak”. I do think that there can be truth to this line of thinking but there’s more to the story.
It’s true that men are generally adverse to admitting weakness. But there’s something else going on when it comes to men telling other people they are depressed. Men can be fixers. Problem solvers. What do we do with depression? What do we do with feelings? Can it be fixed? Men are analyzers. How do we solve depression? Can we fix it? And what about men being considerate to others? Do they feel like they are burdening other people with their problems? I say yes. From my personal and professional experience in working with men dealing with depression, men simply don’t know what to do with depressed feelings. And if they don’t know what to do with them, why bother burdening the people they love? Why tackle a problem that might not be able to be solved? If someone has always “just felt that way” and don’t know there’s other ways to experience life, why explore a problem that, in their eyes, can’t be solved?
How many times have we heard a story about a man not wanting to ask for directions? Or maybe this describes your dad or husband. Men like to solve problems. With depression, it’s not that simple. Depression is not something to be solved. First, we have to experience it on a body level. Actually go inward and allow ourselves to acknowledge what we are physically feeling. What’s it like to accept that we are depressed? What comes up for us when we do this? What thoughts and other feelings come up when we can admit we are depressed?
Depression in the root of it’s meaning is about something within being “held down”. What is being held down? Feelings? Aspirations? Needs and wants? How good are men in communicating their wants and needs in general? Then there is the shared nature of depression. Men commonly “carry” depression passed down from a parent. A father unconsciously passes down his depressed behavior to his son. A son unconsciously carries that depression from his father because he loves him. He cares about him. He assumes emotional responsibility for his father’s depressed mood and internalizes it. Boys are taught to “be men” by adopting masculine gender characteristics. These characteristics can include analyzing, solving, fixing, being strong, not sharing, and not being emotional. Key aspects of a boy’s innate self are depressed to keep their family unit in tact, to fulfill expected family and social roles. This is how depression is passed.
So what can men do if depression is not to be solved or fixed? The simple solution is also hard. Sharing with others and expressing self goes a long way. Sharing with other men about common struggles and experiences is healing. Building camaraderie with other men, finding purpose through values, and allowing self to be authentic are key. Somewhere inside every depressed man is a boy who wants to be loved, cherished, appreciated, and accepted. And men need to learn how to love and appreciate those innate parts of self. Dare I say, men need to give themselves some love and acceptance. And they can start by accepting and owning their own depression. When men do this, their partners will appreciate it, their kids will benefit, and they, themselves, will be on the road to healing.
What are your thoughts?