Why are relationship struggles so hard to change?

When couples come to their first session for couples counseling I ask them this question:  “What would you want to see change in your relationship for this process to be a success?”

What Couples Want From Their Relationships

They want:

“to communicate better”

“to have better intimacy”

“to get back to where we were”

“to stop fighting over the same things”

These are things EVERY couple should get.  You deserve it and so does your partner.  So if both people want the same things, why aren’t you both able to make that happen?  What’s getting in the way of the changes you want?

What Gets in the Way

What’s getting in the way of progress and change in your relationship?  Often what prevents change from taking place is that one, or both, of you are not wanting to make the changes you are actually seeking.

We are an externally focused society.  We want other people and circumstances to change to get the changes that we want.  Yet, we are simultaneously hesitant to make these changes internally.  We want our voices heard and our needs met.   But we also ignore some important factors that get in the way of getting what we want. Here are some of the reasons that you aren’t getting the change you seek.

• You Are Being Emotionally Reactive

Usually couples come to counseling talking about the changes they want to see from a rational perspective.  Talking about better communication, intimacy, and connection are all rationally expected needs in a relationship.  The problem is that most of the time that you approach these subjects with your partner you aren’t coming from a rational mindset.  You are emotionally charged or triggered.  It makes sense that no progress is being made on the issues you want to see changed.  When you are triggered you aren’t as open to change.

• You Aren’t Listening to Each Other

At least one of you, or both of you, are not actually listening to the other person when they are talking. You are not listening to what they are saying.  You are thinking about how you are going to respond. Nothing gets in the way more of the “better communication” that you want than not listening to what your partner is actually saying.  It’s hard to improve on better communication and intimacy when the ways that you talk about your problems more resemble a debate than a collaboration.

• You Aren’t Allowing Your Partner to Change

Just because you ask your partner to make the changes you want to see in your relationship doesn’t mean you don’t have any responsibility in manifesting the desired change.  You have an extremely important role in seeing the desired change develop.  You have to take what they are giving.  Most people would say, “Yeah, of course!  I know that.”  But it’s not that easy.  If you are still angry and resentful about what has happened in the past, it will be very easy to hold onto that resentment. When you do this you are doing two things.  First, you are denying yourself what you want.  You don’t deserve that.  You deserve to get what you need in your relationship.  Second, you are emphasizing the past instead of giving attention to the desired change you seek.  How can your partner know their changed behavior is desired if you are punishing their new behavior by bringing up the past? (See more of my thoughts on this in a previous post)

Ways to Help Break the Cycle

• Step Into the Rational Adult “You”

Couples frequently tell me that they struggle to put the things they learn in sessions into practice when they get home.  Why?  In session I encouraged couples to stay with their “rational adult” selves when they are communicating with one another.  It’s hard to put into practice, though.  When they get home, they fall back into their old habits and destructive communication patterns by reacting from their “wounded self”, or triggered emotional side.  Put conscious attention to being the part of you that is a responsible adult (and parent).  How can you and your partner get better at being your “rational adult” when you do get triggered?

• Take a Time Out

It’s seems kind of simplistic and silly but it worked when you were a kid.  Taking time to calm down clears your head.  It makes it less likely you’ll say or do something you regret.  It’s probably something that you do with your kids.  It’s not a punishment.  It’s a way to think clearer and less reactive.  You are basically parenting yourself.  No shame in that.

Here’s what you do:  You and your partner agree (not during an argument!) that you both are allowed to call a “time out” when either of you is triggered.  There is no exception.  You honor that agreement and allow the partner that calls the time out to take a 20 minute break.  Once that time is up, the partner that calls the time out has to do a “check in”.  If they need more time, more time is granted.  Agreed on a set amount of times of separation that can be used.  Three or four iterations of 20, 30, 60 minute separations is reasonable.   Make a plan that works for both of you.  When you come back together you are to take a 24 hour moratorium on the subject you are fighting about.  No talking about it unless you want to begin to argue again.

• Agree to Use Reflective Listening

I mentioned earlier how couples tend to listen with the intent to respond.  This is how to effectively listen to your partner.

How it works:  “Transmitting and receiving”.  One partner says what they want to communicate (no more than a minute of talking) while the other partner’s job is simply to listen.  When the partner talking is done speaking, the other partner is to repeat (as well as you can) back what the partner just said.  Upon repeating what the partner said, they ask “did I get that right?”  If the answer is “yes”, they are done.  If the answer is “no”, the partner who is transmitting gets to add what the partner missed and then their partner is to repeat back what they heard.  Do this until the partner transmitting is satisfied that they have been heard.  Switch.  The partner that was transmitting now listens, and the other partner now has a turn to talk.

• Give Attention to Emotional Pain Without Being Reactive

If there are emotional issues that you feel are unresolved, give them the appropriate attention they deserve.  Do not depend on expressing your emotional needs only when you are emotionally triggered. This doesn’t work as I explained previously.  Once you and your partner have practiced better ways of communicating with each other, you will be better at listening from them what used to trigger you.  You will be able to handle what they are emotionally triggered by without being triggered yourself.  It’s a win-win.  Both you and your partner deserve to have the space to talk about your emotions and be heard. You aren’t entitled to unload on them and they don’t have a free pass to unload on you.

This is hard work.  And it is work.  Be kind to yourself (and your partner)!  Make a commitment to each other that you will no longer accept “same old”.   Make this commitment to not only your partner, but to your relationship, your family, and yourself!  Be open to taking the steps to get the change you want to see.