How we take on other people’s “stuff”

I wanted to share something that I tend to see so often in my sessions with couples. Actually, it’s something that we see in people, and ourselves, in general. Everywhere. It’s the dependency we place on other people to make us happy. It’s needing my partner to do something so I can feel a certain way. It’s not allowing myself to be happy or peaceful unless the people around me are doing or feeling the way I would like them to.

What Does This Look Like?

Some of it’s that controlling behaviors that has us micromanaging our partners. Telling them how to cook the recipe or how to drive or ask for directions (Heard that one before?). Some of it’s about not being able to tolerate our partner’s emotional response or being uncomfortable with what we THINK people at work are thinking about us. Or it might look like having to protect our kids so they don’t get their feelings hurt by well…life happening. Anything that we take on as THE REASON WE FEEL WHAT WE DO. Whatever it is, if we don’t understand where we end and other people begin, we can ultimately take on too much. Too much responsibility, too much stress, too much of the other person’s stuff.

We are Responsible for Regulating Our Own Emotional State

That’s right. It’s not other people’s job to make us feel ok. It’s our job. When we get confused about this we feel subjected to the “temperature” of others. By temperature I am talking about their emotional state and/or their behavior. But if we do this, then we are the victim of our circumstances. And to get out of this state of being a victim we try and control them, their emotions, or their behavior. Needless to say, this is a bad recipe for relationships. Especially romantic partnerships. And it can also feed into feeling trapped or depressed or anxious. Not only in relationships, but also at work, for example.

What Can We Do to Regulate Our Own Emotional State?

So if we’re responsible for how we feel and we don’t want to be a victim or try and control others, what can we do? This is where appropriate boundaries come into play. This right here is the difference between us and them. This is where the line is drawn. Is what you’re sensing about them? Is it really your problem to fix? Are they projecting onto you? Take a moment to see if what you’re sensing is really about you after all? Is someone mad or irritated? That’s them. Keep in mind that THEY are just as responsible as you are to regulate THEIR own emotional state and behavior. And the best prescription is always communication, especially in a romantic partnership or marriage. Talk about what you are sensing and feeling from them. Open the dialog. Be curious. If you are dealing in a work environment, do the best you can to communicate your wants, needs, and boundaries if possible. Be assertive and proactive. It’s ok to protect yourself and not take on the obligation to regulate the temperature of others. It’s simply, just not your job.

There is No Substitute for Appropriate Behavior

Since we can’t control others and how they feel and react, we can only be in charge of how we relate and react to them. This is expressed through our behavior towards them. The golden rule applies. Yes, even in our relationships with our partners! Treat them how we would like to be treated even if they are not acting appropriately! Set the example. Be the adult.

Take Care of Yourself

Be your biggest advocate for YOU. There is absolutely nothing wrong to conserve and protect yourself and your emotional energy. This is all about you valuing you. When you do this, respect will follow. You respecting you and it will command appropriate respect from others. Draw that line. Be clear. Be the functional adult at work and in your relationships and the tone will be set for a health you and likely a healthy relationship and a healthy sense of self no matter what environment or circumstance you are in.

Remember your emotional energy is important and you don’t have to be the victim of other people’s “stuff”.

I hope that helps. Drop me a line and let me know what you think and if you have any comments or questions for me.

If you get a moment, check out my blog where I ramble on all things relationships and personal growth. https://www.lifemadeconscious.com/blog/

Also, take a look at the guide I recently released which is a compilation of writings and observations from my marriage and my work with couples. “Make Your Marriage Conscious”. 

Take Care.

John