How to say “no” to people (and be ok with it)

How often do we concede to doing something that we really don’t want to do? How often do we then turn around and resent the person for asking us for the favor?  Or blame someone else for not having enough time and energy to get done what we need to? Whether it’s something for a family member, a neighbor, a co-worker, or even a spouse, we don’t have endless time and energy to do everything for everybody. When we freely give away ourselves, people will take it.

I talk to people all the time who are unhappy with their inability to assert their wants and needs.  In many cases, they may not want to say “yes”, but they usually concede. Being unable to assert yourself and say “no” can put you in a lose-lose situation.  You’ll either be upset that you are doing the favor, or you feel guilty for not doing the favor.  Most people will avoid feeling guilty at all costs, so they concede to the request they are being asked to do.  This typically brings on the anger and resentment, which tend to be easier to digest than guilt and/or shame.

What We Feel When We Say “No”

If we’re used to saying “yes”, then we get to avoid these negative feelings. It makes sense that it’s easier to just say “yes” sometimes, doesn’t it?

• Extreme guilt, or shame about letting others down
• A tremendous sense of responsibility that “nobody else will do it” if we don’t
• Resentment, or anger, towards the person for asking
• Feeling like a victim, or powerless
• A sense of loss of self meaning (common if you are a “people pleaser”)

The Problem with Saying “No” to Family

I know, “family first”, right?  Not always.

Not knowing how to say no to people can be especially trying on family dynamics when there are certain people always asking for your time and energy.  Maybe you have an easier time saying no to others in general, but when it comes to family, you struggle in asserting your boundaries.  Family members might be better at manipulating you and pushing your buttons.  They might know that you’re easily guilted into doing things for them.  The problem is that you’re probably aware that you’re easily guilted as well, but you can’t stop giving in.  The last thing you want to do is disappoint mom, dad, or sibling, and feel that guilt, or the guilt trip that they tend to give you.

Asserting Yourself

The first thing that you have to establish for ourselves is embracing the right to say “no” without a reason.  Give it a try!  Instead of giving the drawn out excuse of explaining yourself (which is usually full of small lies), just simply say “no”. Or it might sound like this:  “I’m sorry but I can’t do that for you today.” That’s really all there is to do.

Dealing with the Consequences

While you are not obligated to do anything you don’t want to do, there are consequences of saying “no”. Once you say no, you have to deal with the repercussions.  The guilt trips, the passive aggressiveness from others, our own feelings of guilt and shame, feelings of regret, or maybe even dealing with ongoing tension in our relationships because you are said “no”.  You might have even built a sense of self in pleasing other people.  When you say “no” to them and feel their reaction, you may not know what to think.  There is a lot to consider when you decide to say “no”.

There are many appropriate times when you need to sacrifice our energy and efforts for someone else. However, you get to decide what those times and occasions are.  You get to decide if you are sacrificing for something important to you.  What does the situation feel like?  Is your heart in it?

Pay attention to your gut feeling!

• If you feel like you are being manipulated, you probably are!
• If you simply don’t feel like taking on a  simple request, then that’s ok!
• If you feel resentment about doing it, you probably shouldn’t!

Recognizing What is Not Yours

The truth is that when people are reacting negatively to you saying “no”, it is their emotions that you are reacting to.  You might notice what this feels like by comparing a negative reaction to a different scenario.  Example:  The people that you have an easier time being honest with and opening up to are the people you tend to say “no” to more often.  This makes sense.  Of course you don’t mind saying “no” and to these people, they don’t react negatively to it and, therefore, you don’t have to deal with their stuff.

It is imperative to stop taking on other people’s “stuff” and treating it as if it is your problem.  Other people’s anger, guilt, and resentment are for them to work on, it’s not for you to fix.  In fact, you are doing people a disservice when you constantly meet their needs at all costs.  It’s basically enabling that person to continue their behavior.

Strengthening Boundaries to Say “No”

Boundaries are not meant to block people out of our lives.  They are there to establish healthy lines of what the essence of the relationship is.  When you effectively communicate boundaries, people can understand what your wants and needs are.  When you don’t communicate what you want and need from them there’s no way they can know.

Example of communicating your boundaries:

“Mom, I’m ok with you needing time with the kids, but we can’t make that happen right now.  I want you to spend time with them too.  I just need you to call at least a few hours before you come over, ok?”  If mom’s not ok with that, then that’s her problem and you let her deal with it.

So many of us are afraid to establish boundaries because we may see these actions as “hurtful”, “rude” or “abandoning”.  However, it is only when we recognize and strengthen appropriate boundaries that we can enjoy what it means to be in healthy relationships and fully appreciate ourselves.  This means that “no” has to always be an option.