How to be ok with not getting the last word

It feels really good to be “right”.  To be able to win that argument and get that last word in.  You have just spent a tremendous amount of energy in arguing with your partner, or whoever it might be.  The last thing you want to do is to let go, stop, and not “win”.

So what’s the problem with being right?

But here’s the question.  If you were sitting in a boat with your partner and your words were poking holes in that boat, would you keep insisting to be right?  Would you persist with the argument only to know that the boat would sink?

When we hold onto the notion that we have to win an argument, we are causing direct harm to our relationship, our intimacy with our partner, and to our friendship with our partner.

Because even if we win, and know that we are right, that means that the other person has to be wrong. Since your partner is in the relationship with you, you’re going to suffer too.

Don’t be that guy or girl

Have you ever been around someone who HAS to be right?  It’s probably not your favorite person to hang with and it might even be someone who you despise.

Nobody likes being told they are wrong!  Don’t do it to your partner!  Nobody likes when someone is being an asshole.

So what do I do if I know I AM right?

If you’ve gotten this far in the article and you still don’t know why you should give up on needing to be right when arguing with your partner, read no further.  The remainder of this will not apply to you.

If you do want to learn some ways to change up the dynamic of conflict and tension with your partner, here are some suggestions and tips.

How to disarm an argument when you know you are right

But…but…you KNOW you are right.  Your partner is wrong.  Now what?

• Give yourself a pat on the back, you are the king of logic.  You win even though nobody else cares. Now….

• Remind yourself in the knowledge that this argument was never about right and wrong anyway.  

  This argument was more than likely about a pattern of tension, or contention, between you and your partner.  It just so happened that you chose to blow it up over who’s in-laws are more intrusive.

• Listen to what your partner is saying.

  Don’t “hear” her while you’re really thinking of what to say next.  See if you can notice underlying feelings she might be trying to communicate.  It’s no coincidence that those same feelings pop up in different arguments.

• Be present with what your partner is saying.

  Turn off your “fix it reflex”.  Don’t try and fix what your partner is feeling or thinking, just listen.  You can’t fix your partners feelings anyway.

• Call a timeout.

  If you are both still unable to step away from being right, wanting to “win” the argument, and you’re now neglecting not only each other’s feelings, but your dignity in the moment, step away.  BUT only do this if you have pre-planned what this time out means.

Read more on how to do a “time out” and other ways to break the cycle of fighting.

Make it simple.

You know YOU don’t like it when your partner tries to discredit you and tell you that you are wrong.  Don’t be the person that does it to them.

Conflict is inevitable in relationships but it’s doesn’t have to hurt and undermine the relationship.  Sometimes conflicts can be solved, sometimes they can’t, but insisting on being right only insures one thing.  It insures that your partner is wrong.  That’s not fair to your partner or your relationship.