Self esteem. We’ve all struggled with it at times and most of us still do. Here are some things that I’ve learned about esteeming the self and some things that have helped me.
I remember that from middle school through college, I struggled a lot with self-esteem. I felt self-conscious, unsure of myself, and also struggled a lot with negative self-talk. So my hope in writing this blogpost was to maybe help someone else through this (sometimes) difficult part of life. So even if you’re not a struggling, middle-school aged or high school aged young man, maybe you know someone who is, and could pass this along to them.
To briefly summarize what I’ve learned in retrospect, I’ve learned that to have a strong sense of self-esteem, there are three key ingredients.
- Finding a skill or hobby that you can excel at
- Learning how to socialize and connect well with others
- Increasing a sense of self-compassion and inherent self-worth
I’ve found that as I’ve gotten better at things, I’ve noticed an increase in my confidence. Two areas in particular that I’ve grown in are: music & rock climbing. I know that seems like a weird combo, but those are two hobbies of mine I’ve continued to pour myself into over the years.
And as I’ve gotten better at music (by playing more and more shows and by playing more at church), I’ve felt a greater sense of confidence in myself. And likewise, as I’ve rock climbed more and more, I’ve seen myself become more and more skilled at rock climbing. Seeing myself progress has led to a greater sense of confidence in myself. And so, I’ve seen over the years my self-esteem increase. So there’s ingredient one.
The second way I learned to grow my self-esteem was to be able to socialize and connect more easily with others. This is obviously a huge struggle for many people, especially for middle schoolers and high schoolers (and even adults as well).
And it wasn’t until I was a senior in high school that a counselor of mine suggested I read the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carengie. I’ll recommend, as strongly as I can, to read this book if you haven’t yet. But the biggest things I’ve learned in this book were to be genuinely interested in other people, ask a lot of questions, and get other people to talk about themselves.
This simple lesson helped me so much to know how to connect more deeply with others, and it’s a lesson I carry with me to this day. After reading that book, I didn’t feel so worried being in social settings anymore because I had a playbook for how to socialize. So there’s ingredient number two.
The last and final ingredient is probably the most important one of all, and it’s still something I have to practice and remind myself of on a regular basis. It’s the ingredient of increasing your own sense of self-worth.
Another way to think about this, is to turn your negative self-talk into positive, self-affirming self-talk. In one sense, living this out can be looked at as a discipline, or an act of sheet will. Intentionally saying to yourself, “I’m valuable”, “I’m awesome”, “I like who I am.” I encourage this. But I’ll say what’s been more meaningful and effective for me is to bring my faith into this principle.
I try to live this ingredient of self-esteem out by praying and speaking biblical truths to myself when I’m feeling down. This might look like, “God, I am Your son. And You are my Heavenly Father. And I believe that I am deeply loved and cherished by You.” Or I might say, “God, I believe I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And I know You’ve created me exactly as I am. And that YOU love me the way that I am. So I love the way that You’ve created me to be.”
Praying these prayers is still an act of discipline, but I find it to be much more meaningful and fruitful when I turn these statements of positive, self-affirmation into prayers. However if you’re not the spiritual type, this ingredient might just look like specifically calling to mind all of the things you like about yourself, and saying, “I really like that I am the way that I am.” And so here is the third and final ingredient.
All of these ingredients take time and patience to live out, but I encourage you to try to live this out if growing in self-esteem is something you feel like you’ve been wanting to do. Or if you know someone who struggles with self-esteem (and you feel close enough to them to share this), please share this with them too!
I hope that this was helpful to you, or to someone in your life. Remember, we’re all works in progress, and all we can do is try to grow one day at a time.
What are your thoughts?