Marriage is an awesome place of commitment, growth, and everything else in between. There’s plenty of upside to it but it also comes with some myths and misconceptions.  There can be a tremendous amount of pressure, and false obligations that surround our perception of marriage. Both coming from in the marriage from the spouses and from outside the marriage via family and society. Being able to identify marriage misunderstandings can help couples avoid a lot of pain down the road.

10 common marriage misconceptions

 1.  Marriage should resemble the wedding day.

No.  Weddings are a celebration of new beginnings and family.  Marriages are much more than that. Intimacy, vulnerability, commitment, and patience are all great attributes of a marriage.  Fun is what you have with your friends.  And if you want a lasting marriage with your spouse, you’ll need more than friendship.  Look at it this way.  Your marriage will be much more fun when you and your spouse can deal with the inevitable difficulties.

 2.  Marriage shouldn’t be work.

I don’t think work should feel like work either.  But sometimes it does.  Anything that is worth sacrificing for will involve some work.  Look at it this way. The payoff of a good marriage is worth the efforts. Instead of the saying marriage is 50/50, it should be “100/100.”  As in you giving more than “your equal share”.  If you and your spouse do this, you’ll thank each other because when one of you can’t pull their weight, the other will be there.

 3.  Marriage will automatically make you closer as a couple.

It will make you closer.  But only if the individuals in the marriage are open to being closer.  The act of marriage alone won’t do it.  Reference again to intimacy and vulnerability.

4.  You and your spouse are a unit and no longer individuals.

“The minute two people cease being the individuals who entered the relationship, the unit begins a slow
downward spiral.”  As mentioned by a friend.  Emphasis on the slow aspect.  It might not be apparent at first, but when one or both of the people in a marriage stop being individuals, the relationship will always suffer.  Either that or the relationship becomes so codependent that when without the company of their spouse a person is dysfunctional.

 5.  Getting married will solve problems of trust and insecurity.

Got big problems trusting your partner and want even more problems?  Get married.  Issues of trust in a relationship are serious.  Nothing outside of hard work and attention needed to save a relationship will suffice.  Marriage won’t solve these issues.

 6. You can change your partner.

The only changing that you’re doing in a marriage is changing  yourself.  Surprisingly, you might find that when you change your relationship changes in ways that actually help you get what you wanted in the first place.   Always place the focus of change on what you can change.

 7. Your spouse is responsible for making you feel better.

Feeling anxious, angry, or depressed?  You want to open up and talk to your partner about it.  You don’t want to unload on them.  You don’t want to look to them to give you the answers or to know “exactly what you want” when you are hurting.  Your partner’s job is to support you.  Your job is to do the self work.  The saying “happy wife equals happy life”?  Somebody’s getting left out.

 8. Kids will improve a marriage.

Kids are great.  Having kids doesn’t improve a marriage.  Having kids will test your marriage’s level of patience and commitment in a way that only having kids can.  Learning how to have a marriage with kids will improve a marriage.  But only if a couple welcomes the challenges of having a family.  Once children arrive, letting them get between the relationship you have with your spouse will hurt intimacy.

 9. You can continue your social life as is.

You can try doing this but it’s doubtful you can sustain your old social life.  Attempts to maintain it will likely result in a decline in connection with your partner.  Add kids to your relationship and your social life will, and rightfully should, be drastically diminished.  This doesn’t mean that you and your spouse can’t find ways to socialize together but it won’t be what it was before you were married.

 10. Marriage has to be perfect or it’s a failure.

It depends on what you and your spouse see as “perfect”.  If your idea of perfect doesn’t include accepting the inevitable challenges and difficult times of what marriage brings, you’ll never be content. Focus instead on what you have and how to make it  better, instead of the “idea” of what you want to have.  It’s too easy to see “other couples” and want what “they have”.  It’s possible to be realistic in your marriage wants and needs and also hold out for better.

These are just my thoughts as a married man for 5 years.  I’m sure I’ll learn more as I go, but isn’t that the point?  What other marriage misconceptions have you learned aren’t true?